Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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