I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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