I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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