Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
