It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
