I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
