hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
