Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We were destined to go to rehab together
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
