The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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