I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
