evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
