suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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