I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
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Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
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Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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