You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
