think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
