First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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