Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
