I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
