they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
