I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
