I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
