Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
there is glitter all over my balls
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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