Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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