Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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