i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
