Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
