Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
