First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
