I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
