god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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