Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
