Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
