I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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