Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
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the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
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no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize