I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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