oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I think people are normalizing furries
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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