I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
