I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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