If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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