____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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