Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
