I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
