I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Even my vagina gasped.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
