How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize