I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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