mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
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I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
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Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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