If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Randomize
