God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
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Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
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The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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