Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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