Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
