I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
