Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
