my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
