isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
