i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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