There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
it was like having sex with a tree stump
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
